Obligatory graduation angst post

In one sense, since classes have ended I've been having an awesome time. I've been shopping, clubbing, and moviewatching with a few friends who are here, which has been fantastic. I've had some misadventures, including the night I lost my keys while barhopping and had a mini-panic attack, only to find them in my friend's couch. I've been struggling to fit all my clothes into boxes. Some people really enjoy packing, but I don't. But it's been wonderful having nothing else to do. I got my grades back and they were much better than I had expected, which is always nice. We've got advance tickets to see Pirates 3 on Thursday night and drool over the talented Mr. Depp. And senior week includes a bunch of fun stuff to do, and the rest of my suitemates are coming back. It feels good and peaceful.

On the other hand, my impending graduation has been making me a little sad. It's not so much that I'm sad to leave college, though. It's more like I'm sad that I'm not sadder. I am absolutely ready for it to be over. Sure, I will miss my friends, but thanks to the internet I don't have to worry about losing touch with them. Furthermore, there are many "friends" -- entire communities of people, really -- that I expected to have as lifelong friends, and I know now that I won't. Social circles I was just beginning to integrate into sophomore year I have since distanced myself from, and now feel like a total outsider there. I'm pretty happy here socially, but I'm still disenchanted with "the Yale kid" overall. I don't have a lot of attachment to things here and am eager to start again. Which is a good thing, I suppose, since I have to! ^_^ But I still am feeling the disillusionment pretty hard. My first semester here was absolutely amazing, like a dream, and I thought I had gone to heaven. For three years I watched in denial as piece by piece of the dream fell away, and all that was left was just school.

And that's also part of the problem. School. People who are entering the workforce next year have turned in their last homework assignments ever. I have six more years of school. I realize part of this is just burnout from having just completed another finals period, but I really am tired of being in school. Right now the only thing I want to do is have a 9 to 5 behind a counter selling books or CDs to people, or working at a museum, and writing stories and music in my downtime. But I don't know what will make me happy. Some people have told me that no matter what career you choose, all work sucks, and you have to find other things outside of work to make your life enjoyable. I have great friends and a great family life, and I like to do lots of other things besides work. The problem is that at school, I feel like no matter what I'm doing that's fun, I should be working. And that feeling is slowly choking me. School is the most important thing in my life right now; it's how I define myself, which may seem a little extreme, but keep in mind I am preparing for an academic career. A regular job doesn't have homework; you go home and you're done for the day. To me that sounds like the most liberating thing in the world.

But it's not just laziness. College has not been good for my mental state. At. All. I'm a much less stable person than I was at the end of high school. And it makes me nervous, because if the next six years are going to feel like this last one, I don't think I can make it. I know I can always quit if I'm not happy, but I've been given such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, I feel guilty letting go of it. My dad quit grad school and regrets it. But it may be that I'm just not cut out for a high-pressure career like academia. Maybe if I got on some medication or something, I could pull through grad school all right. Maybe if I found love.