Busy busy busy

It’s been a few crazy days in archaeology land.

I slept poorly Wendesday night due to emotional crap, and conveniently, ALL DAY on Thursday was crammed with department activities. First, Department Orientation. I began the event by spilling my entire cup of coffee in my lap. The entire front of my pants as well as my underwear were soaked through. Everyone was staring at me, and the fact that I was saying “Fuck fuck fuck!” probably didn’t help. They were all quite concerned that I had burned myself, but the funny thing was I didn’t even notice the pain (high tolerance ftw!). I was just annoyed that I was soaking wet. Thank god I wore black jeans and the coffee didn’t even show.

Archaeo Wing luncheon. Uneventful. Met some students and faculty; got contradictory opinions on whether I need to take Organic Chemistry. My lab advisor is in Europe right now, so she was no help. Exhausted by the end. Passed on library tour and went home to “nap.”

Wine hour with Archeo and Bioanthro folk. Followed by party at Michele’s beautiful Somerville apartment. Lots of food and beer. Met people. Got even more tired.

Then came Friday, which was Anthropology Day -- basically ten short faculty presentations from 1 to 5 pm, followed by a reception with amazing food and wine. I was tired from the very beginning, and exhausted by the end. Went to reception anyway, mostly for the amazing food. I could live off free food here. I’m so tired of all my friends insisting on going out and spending money on it. >> We went out to a bar and had a few drinks with older students. It was all good, but I was so tired. I’m pretty certain I’m getting sick. I was also beginning to feel anxious about how unsuitable I was for independent archaeological fieldwork, and though my friends comforted me by reminding me of the other possibilities that lay down the line, such as lab-centric research or museum conservation, it contributed to my fatigue.

When I got home, it was only 9:30, but I can’t remember the last time I was that tired. I was supposed to go out to a party in the grad student center which literally everyone else in the dorm was attending, but I just couldn’t make it. I was so tired it hurt. I thought, if I just fell asleep and never woke up, it would be fine. I want nothing more than to sleep forever. Only slightly later did I realize the implications of that thought.

It was the thought of Jenny that snapped me out of it. I know that anything I do to hurt myself hurts her as well. That’s love I guess. Also, I got several people calling/texting me from the party, wondering where I was. I realized that people here care about me already and it was actually kind of touching.

I’m anxious for class to start Monday. Now that I’m here, the downsides to Harvard’s program are becoming more apparent. The classes situation is kind of frustrating, actually. At first glance it appears that there are myriad courses to choose from. However, most of the courses are offered every other year, and since you only have two years allocated to classes, you are kind of driven into a time slot. This is compounded by the fact that general exams happen after the third term, so you have to get all your breadth requirements done in the first three terms. This is usually impossible. Most of the profs don’t seem to make teaching a priority. At many universities, rather than general exams, second-years are expected to complete a Master’s thesis. I can see the appeal of getting the broad knowledge base instead of diving right into original research, but they sure don’t make it easy to get the background you need.

One good thing, on the other hand, is that I am certain that this is the career field that interests me most intellectually. While applying last year, I doubted myself a lot and wondered if I shouldn’t have done English or something. But all the talks on Anthro Day, as well as my conversations with other students and my explorations of the museum collections, have been very inspiring. While I am still concerned about whether I will make it through, I am confident that my failure wouldn’t be because the subject wasn’t right for me. It would be because my temperment and mental health are too fragile for the high pressure careers at the end of this track. I am going to try to work on that, because this is the most exciting, potentially fulfilling thing I can do, and it’s worth staying sane for..