All things reconsidered

It's shocking when you realize that you know so little that it's impossible to ever catch up.

It's going to be one of those days when I change my position about my career again. Our lab meeting today completely discouraged me, both from the field of residue analysis which is basically more money than it's worth for the quality of data you can get, and from anything in biogeochemical archaeology in general. Call it My Chemical Ignorance. I just don't know things. I don't know them. Why does Noreen think I can learn science? I am light years behind where everyone else was when they were first years. Anyone can learn to use a mass spectometer, but if you have too look up on Google what a mass spectrometer is, exactly, you're on a different plane altogether. What's a functionalized compound? What's a fractionation pattern? How should I know? GAH.

I majored in regular archaeology, with a rather art historical thesis to boot. Most of these kids double majored in chemistry. Do I want to do regular, field archaeology? Well, not really. But it's all I know how to do, in theory, though in practice I am abysmal at the nuts and bolts.

I've been down all morning because of this shocking wakeup call. Just because I'm no longer depressed all the time does not mean I'm doing the right thing with my life after all. I might not need to leave school next year because I'm on the verge of total nervous collapse, but I might just want to leave because I really am trying to be someone I'm not. I've felt this way for years I think. Years. I'm bummed out.

Chris had a conflict arise and now can't make the Orpheum show tonight. Ordinarily I would totally go anyway, with or without a buddy. But I have two more concerts I've already bought tickets for this week, and I'm so tired today, I'm thinking I should take a rain check. We didn't get advance tickets, so I don't lose anything by just not going. It's too bad, because this is a great opportunity (Spoon! CWK! Against Me!!) but I'll just have to see how I feel at the time.

I'd love to go if I didn't already have such a heavy schedule. In this case it's about time and energy, not money. After all, the more work I get done now, the better Christmas will be. Then again, if I decide to quit school, maybe it's more important that I use my time in Boston to live the scene instead of holed up with a bundle of .pdf files and a headache.

On the plus side, I feel like since my default state is no longer set to "misery," my feelings about school, jobs, and everything else hold a lot more water. Before, it was as though everything was covered with mud. Now the mud is gone, and it's much easier to tell what is attractive and what is not. It's possible now to separate the bad days from the good days and figure out what went wrong and what makes me happy. I should not take that for granted.